It’s been a while, but I’m back.
Unintentionally I took a couple months off of writing and retreated from life and the many cards she dealt me while experiencing a few losses in my family and circle of friends. CANCER and DEATH have become frequent visitors in the lives of many around me. The losses have taken a mental toll on me, leaving a creative void in my skull. Now some writers definitely experience writer’s block, but this triple stacked brick wall has left me with invisible bruises that have caused me to ignore my laptop and the many writing journals I’ve stashed around the house or at work.
I didn’t realize I’d abandoned my writing until recently, when I realized I hadn’t tweeted, blogged or posted any creative material for the masses. The many thoughts that swirl around in my mind have been too gloomy to share, and the heavy heart I’ve carried around with me would swell at the mere thought of composing a few lines to release the emotional blockage.
Cancer is a bitch, and Death is her sidekick. Every month since last October, I’ve had to swallow my pain and stay strong for those who called to give me the gloomy news of recent diagnosis, or alerts of the end is near. It’s never good when someone calls you and instructs you to sit down, because you know what they’re going to say afterwards. I’ve received death notices and funeral dates every month since February. In April, the death that sent me over the edge was one of my dearest friends. Her battle was hard and ended like a tornado. I am happy that even though she couldn’t talk towards the end, the last text I received from her was “I Love You Too”. I will forever keep the phone that houses that message. It makes me strong, and keeps me grounded. The most recent death notice was for a dear friend’s mother last month in May, exactly one month ago tomorrow. It was so unexpected, and she was buried the day before Mother’s Day. I can’t even imagine.
I now breathe slower and longer. Taking in every ounce of air my mom shares with me. I take time to remember her scent, her laughter and the small things that send her into a nagging marathon. But I love her, and I still have her. The older I get, the more afraid I become of the reality that my mother is aging and one day will no longer be with me. She’s my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without her, and the call informing me that my friend lost her mom has now sent me into a realm of discomfort.
In the past week, I’ve noticed that I wake up in the morning sad with the lack of energy to be purposeful. So now I’m angry at myself for making excuses to not be present and purposeful. Annoyed that I’ve allowed nearly four months slither by without writing one creative line of humor or a slight observation, and choosing to lie down and life get the best of me.
But this morning — I woke up with the sun shining bright across my face and a slight warmth hovering over me. I knew God was present. He woke me up and exclaimed life is beautiful, grand — Life is NOW. Death will come, but not today. I jumped up and vowed to be present. To no longer let those two sidekicks that have taken the lives of many people around me pull me down and erase my purpose.
I’m back, with a few minor, yet invisible bruises — and they will heal each day I spend writing away the pain.