Balancing Acts

Extremists – That’s how I define me and my sweet- baby king. I am the “spastic, time is crucial, let’s go – let’s do this, it’s going to be now or never” chick, and he is “the tomorrow will take care of itself, there’s no need to rush, let’s just chill” type of dude. He is so laid back, if he were any more relaxed it would be impossible to distinguish him from a snail or a tortoise. He takes his time, observes a situation, researches possibilities, and then after maybe five years of thinking it over, he’ll make a decision — but only after I’ve cornered him in a back alley with the heel of my three inch stiletto pinching the nerves in his throat. I, on the other hand, make decisions based on my state of emotion and will deal with any repercussions that follow (maybe that’s why I have a closet full of clothes and shoes that smell brand new). However, I do posses great problem solving skills, critical thinking skills and an extreme sense of intuition — that has saved our lives on a daily basis. Come on, who wouldn’t appreciate a girlfriend that had the courage of Lassie, and could detect danger and alert everyone to remove themselves from extreme conditions. Husband-to- be on the other hand (let’s call him old man Sam) is the guy Lassies finds sunbathing on the porch in his boxers (and no shirt) with a Budweiser in one hand, and a white boy in the other. Lassie tries to alert that danger is approaching by bellowing out short loud pitched barks. Her provoking bark finally gets a rise out of old man Sam’s intoxicated head after twenty minutes, only for her bark to be rejected by a rude, and loud roar of “it’s not that serious girl – get out of here.”

I saved our lives just this morning. We were resting comfortably in a hotel suite off the coast of the eastern shore, only to be awaked from a loud, roaring, noise followed by “THIS IS A FIRE ALARM — PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING USING THE NEAREST EXITS AND USE ONLY THE STAIRS.” So I did what any sane person who has experienced numerous fire drills at school and work would do, I jumped up, put on my pants, my jacket, and grabbed only the essential things that would be harder to replace – my purse with the car keys and wallet, etc. Naturally, I headed to the door, only to realize husband- to- be, is rambling off scrambled words like, “I thought I was in VIETNAM and we were under attack. Is the door opened? I don’t think it’s in this hotel, I think it was a truck outside….wait, do you hear that, the truck just pulled off.” WHAT THE F@*K? I am starring at this patient man, loving his extreme side, and wondering, “am I the crazy one?” So I instantly switch into critical thinking mode. I walk out into the hallway, you know, just to see if I was the only crazy on the floor, and would be the only person standing outside of the possibly burning hotel — other than the army of firemen jumping off the five fire trucks I just spotted out of the hallway window. So, just as Lassie would’ve done, I ran back towards my hotel room door and thought maybe husband –to- be was in route to meet me in the hallway. NOPE!! Old man Sam was lying across the bed, with the phone receiver in one hand, and both feet dangling off the bed. It’s weird, I don’t know what made me notice the shadow of his dangling feet on the floor, but he was actually twirling his toes – which meant to me, he was pretty damn comfortable and not in a rush to find out if this was going to be our last day on earth. My panicky voice yelled at him to get up or be left, and then I questioned who he was calling.  Now hold fast to these words, he was calling the Concierge.  Again, WHAT THE F@*K?  He actually looked me in the eye and said, “the phone just keeps ringing, I wonder why no one is answering.”

Seriously, what would you do?  Would you agree that this was another moment for me to back him into a dark alley? Well that’s the extreme measure I had to take.  I had to tell him that the halls were packed with people fleeing for their lives, and that I overheard someone say that the flames were spreading fast from the top floors. Old man Sam pondered for a moment, because you know he has to assess the situation and then research the evidence. He concluded that he couldn’t smell any smoke, which meant the fire wasn’t that close to us, so we had a fair amount of time to depart. After searching for his pants, shirt, and shoes –he felt the need to contemplate on choosing either his fleece shirt or to just wear his jacket over top of his t-shirt, since it may be a little nippy outside. We were finally on our way. We decided to sit in our vehicle to keep our limbs warm, and waited patiently for the now 100 and counting firemen to decide whether they were actually going to use the fire hose they pulled off the truck and put back on the truck, and then pulled off the truck again. Fortunately for us and the hotel, there wasn’t a fire. Forty minutes later, we were shuffling through the hotel entrance loading onto the elevator to return to the room. A weird feeling came over me to check husband –to- be over, and commented on his untied shoe strings. Laid back old man Sam responded, “I had no time –there was no time, there was a fire.”

You gotta love him… His laid back appeal and my “time is crucial” personality is the secret ingredient to complimenting our extreme, yet balanced love.