Inhale…Exhale – It’s the repetitive movement we unconsciously do for survival. Every once in a while, I lie awake in bed, and my breathing intensifies from an onset of anxiety created from the nuclear combat taking place in my mind. The very thought of leaving this earth sends my heart racing uncontrollably as the massive incomplete to-do-lists flow without an end in sight.
My controlling knack for having a handle over all things that make a difference in my life, whether convenient or unplanned spirals sporadically as I often find myself predicting my last moment on earth. Fast forwarding through time, I land on the very moment that I spend the last day on earth. Of course most people don’t know how they’ll die, and there are some who are planning their funerals now for the unexpected. I wish I could be that organized, but something tells me there will be so much drama with mine, because I would probably have a list of half-committed instructions, leaving my family to fill in the blanks. But that will be there problem…not mine.
As the summer draws close, all of my favorite TV shows leave me hanging with their season finale cliff hangers due to my favorite character’s poor choices. I begin thinking about all of the potential chaos that would generate from the incomplete tasks I failed to accomplish because my last day on earth arrived too soon, perhaps because I made the wrong turn into oncoming traffic, or inhaled too much bleach or ammonia as I was scrubbing the piss stains from the base of the toilet in my son’s bathroom. Certainly that would be a serious finale for my loved ones, leaving them wondering about all the what ifs.
I began reflecting on the season finale of my favorite show: The Walking Dead. Anyone who truly knows this Savvy Diva, knows how obsessed I am with this show. Rick, the leader of the post apocalypse pack suddenly displayed a sign of fear, as he struggled to strategically escape any physical engagement with a ruthless gang. Normally Rick is strong, confident. He and his crew began to pick off members of the rival gang earlier in the season to maintain a strong hold and balance of their new world. However, as vicious as Rick thought he was, he and his whole crew were now faced with the realization that their strategy failed. Rick displayed a sense of vulnerability and fear. It was like he began rethinking all of his choices he made that day, which led him and his crew to the very moment they were all on their knees praying that wouldn’t be their last day on earth. The look on Rick’s face as he was stuck in a vulnerable position is the same exact expression I have sometimes as I race to beat the yellow light before it turns red, or sticking my middle finger out the window at an aggressive driver passing me, who suddenly stops abruptly for a rude engagement.
The other show I watched that got my end of the world juices flowing was Black-ish. The parents Dre’ and Rainbow are so funny and remind me of my life and family. Dre’ and Rainbow were struggling as well, trying to decide who would be the designated caretaker for their children if anything ever happened to them. Their antics were so dramatic as they reasoned with who would be the perfect fill in for them; which resonated a pinch of turmoil inside myself — because I am really the drama queen in my family.
So of course I know have the apocalyptic urgency and last will and testament brewing in my head from my favorite shows. My own dramatic episode ensues and most of the chaos created was the focus on how I would look when I pushed out my last breath. Of course my hair would be an issue, because I have natural, thin, yet curly hair — but without the perfect balance of moisture and oil, it would turn to hay quick, so I would have to keep my hair braided year round, especially during the apocalypse. But the indecisiveness gene in me surfaces because I can’t imagine being raised from the dead and all my braids are laying on the pillow in my coffin..but I digress, one of my many wigs will do just as well.
All jokes aside — I will prepare my mind to soldier up for the real decisions and to-do-lists for my last day on earth. I know it has to be done, its just something I subconsciously add to the back page in my notebook. I guess I should hasten my prep work because most days I usually experience an awesome, fantastic, no drama, episodic day; that suddenly leaves me gasping for air in midst of slipping on the treadmill while running, vacuuming the carpet on the steps and getting my shoe lace caught in the vacuum or accidentally swallowing juice too fast, flooding my windpipe with an overflow of liquids. My daily shenanigans will most likely leave me spiraling to the exact moment before…I take my last breath.